Living away from ‘Home’

I remember this stage in my life only a few years back where I wanted to get away from home for as long as possible but now the thought of being away from there much longer is almost a no go… whilst I see the perfect opportunity to live a lovely life in Sydney and potentially start a family here someday it’s just too far our of reach. I don’t necessarily see myself staying ‘home’ forever too but just not planning on staying on the other side of the world 24 hours away from the place and people I love the most…

I’ve felt gut wrenching emotions attached to home since I’ve been away. I’ve been sad, happy, excited and every other emotion that we as humans could experience but it’s been a really weird one for me. I feel like everything has happened in the almost 2 years since I left (Wow that feels weird to say) literally from engagements, deaths, marriages, births, birthdays, worrying times & really happy ones… nothing and no one could prepare me for the guilt and loneliness I’ve felt since being away and to be honest not something I expected in such a short space of time either.

My Truths About Living Away From Home 

My Parents

The loves of my life.
They aren’t old but they’re not getting any younger and that’s something we forget to consider growing up as we don’t realise that they are too. I guess that now they’re not together in marriage I’ve started to worry about them more because they haven’t got each other. I think about them all the time and need to hear from them at least once a day just to make sure they’re OK (1 text is fine)

As I’ve got older I’ve realised that my parents are no doubt my fave people on the planet, I miss them the most and love them harder than ever but I really feel guilty and anxious that i’m not around. In an ideal world I would have them here with me experiencing this life but after all I couldn’t have done this without them so I owe it to them to enjoy every second.

Missing the ‘Grow up’

This one applies to all the people I love and care about but mostly the little ones…I’m so very lucky to have a big family (mostly made up of little nieces and nephews) 7 of them!
I become an auntie at 11 so I’ve been growing up with them for over half of my life however you don’t see the difference when you’re there but when you’re away you’ll see the huge transition from year to year. They are now between the ages of 14 and 6 months old and they’re all growing up into different stages in their life and I’ve missed 2 years of this which is pretty big when you’re below the ‘adult’ age.

What I miss the most is the really fun stage ; watching them build their personal character and seeing them try new things, getting all of the kisses and cuddles and the ‘first time’ experiences – these are life’s special moments so I miss this.

Missing Milestones 

This one has got me – I don’t know how/why but more has happened at home in 2 years than ever in my entire life. I’ve missed best friends proposals & engagements, pregnancy announcements, big birthdays, holidays and massive achievements and even beautiful weddings… these are thing’s you can’t ever get back or replay and certainly something you can’t experience over FaceTime.

This is a hard one to explain but it’s really like being left of the party but no one is to blame but yourself, it’s like self sabotage and personal isolation. You’re not able to ‘reflect’ on the memory and you’re not in the photo album, i’m watching from afar and not experiencing anything and life’s still going on around me.

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Loneliness – That missing puzzle piece?

I often wonder how many others would agree with this but regardless of how many people you have around you there will always be something missing. I’ve felt extremely lonely over the last year and not felt a belonging to be here (this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be) I just feel like I haven’t fit in and that’s something I’ve felt for the first time in my life.

Loneliness doesn’t mean you’re completely alone with no one around, it can also mean you’re alone mentally. I’ve had waves of this quite often and I can’t put my finger on it, I just miss being around ‘my people’.

My family are undoubtedly always a cure to lonely feels and my friends that know me through and through and the ones I can be ‘me’ around aren’t here so I guess I’ve not been myself without them.

Catching up through FaceTime and social media has a massive disconnect between a physical/virtual interaction, it’s just not the same.

You’ll compare everything you do & everyone you meet

You’ll confide so much in the people you meet and expect quite a lot from them..you’ll always question if they’re really friends or just people you spend the most time with out of convenience. You’ll literally agonize over what’s best for you and question every little thing you do. As soon as you come across the slightest mishap you’ll automatically wish you were somewhere else and doubt your present moment.

Everything I do here and have done has more than likely been compared to back home… friendships and peoples morals, job opportunities, living arrangements etc.

You’ll encounter more challenges than before (but also get more rewarded)

I’ve been pretty independent for quite a long time now so living alone isn’t new to me but living away away is a far more different experience. I hate to say it but shit happens and no matter how positive you are or how optimistic you might be it can still backlash… I feel like I still rely on my family for moral support and advice but it’s so difficult knowing they’re not physically there to help. I’ve been out of work and been down to the last $100 (stress) and i’m fortunate to have a caring partner so it could’ve been worse, I’ve doubted my ability to do anything, I’ve been almost homeless after unexpected dramas with flooding and I’ve just not been OK – the list can go on

With that being said the personal mental and physical growth in 2 years has been outstanding and I honestly don’t know where i’d be at if I didn’t take this opportunity

The FEAR of going back home

All of a sudden i’ll be sitting there (usually when i’m about to sleep) and this daunting shadow comes over me and get’s me thinking about what life will be like when I eventually get back ‘home’. You start a life and it becomes pretty nice. I have a great job and a lovely apartment with my partner, I have money to live off and enjoy – it almost feels too good to be true sometimes.

I know i’m not the same person I was before I left and I know setting up life back home won’t be a walk in the park. That’s what scares me the most. What if everything goes back to way it was 2 years ago (which I hated) and all the personal development and growth goes out the window? What if I hate it so much again and I feel stuck?

Final thoughts…

You quickly learn that you can’t fly home every time something happens and can’t wait at home waiting for things to happen either… you’ve got to live your life how you always plan to because everyone will go live theirs. It’s not your job as an individual to be there for everything and everyone even as much as you’d want to be… it’s a bitter sweet pill to swallow but you learn to live with it and it certainly has allowed me to create personal boundaries which is a massive learn at 24 years of age.

To every negative (or less positive should I say) there’s certainly 10 positives. It’s life changing and inspiring so I would always recommend to anyone ever!

If you need anything answered or need some advice please feel free to comment or get in touch, I am more than happy to help – I hope you enjoyed this post & enjoyed this side to me that I don’t often show – You can’t be positive all of the time and I want to make sure everyone know’s that not everything you do is always as great as it looks.

 

Twitter : @beckyrosecarver
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4 thoughts on “Living away from ‘Home’

  1. Another lovely post hun , you seriously don’t have to worry about me babe , not until I need helping on and off the toilet 😆 then your be most helpful , wiping food from my mouth , reminding me who and where I am , that sort of thing ! Til then enjoy every second of what your doing totally guilt free , love you 😘

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